sujuexchange (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sujuexchange) wrote2011-12-31 02:07 pm
sujuexchange) wrote2011-12-31 02:07 pm
Entry tags:
All the world is waiting for the sun (Siwon/Sungmin, R)
Title: All the world is waiting for the sun
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gayeeish
Recipient:emo_what97
Characters/Pairings: Siwon/Sungmin
Rating: R
Genre(s): Romance
Warnings: None
Author's Note: Prompts given were Tablo's "Bad" or the quote by Ione Sky, "Everything else means nothing to me. If I hurt you again, I'll die." I tried to make it fit, I hope you like it even if the fic ended fitting the sentiment of both prompts more than the actual words themselves! Beta-ed by precious PB, thank you! :3
Sungmin finds the steady sound of rain drumming on roofs and sidewalks comforting. It’s like nature is repeating a mantra: It’s going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. It seems to rain every time something bad happens; he knows it’s just whimsy, but he likes to think they’re tears from people in heaven for anyone who is sad.
It’s raining again when Kyuhyun tells Sungmin about Donghae. “He’s everything I’ve been looking for,” are his exact words. “I really want you to meet him, you’ll love him too.”
Above the pounding in his ears and the noise of the rain, the unspoken subtext carries across loud and clear. It’s in Kyuhyun’s eyes: I know how you feel but I’m sorry, you weren’t what I wanted, we can’t be more than friends.
Sungmin produces the obligatory smile and agrees to have dinner with Kyuhyun and Donghae one of these days, and then goes home to cry together with the rain.
***
It’s interesting how people adapt to heartbreak differently. Some get angry, some live in denial, there are those who turn to new loves and others who simply go through the motions of life without really feeling until the moment eventually passes and the heart begins to forget. Sungmin probably falls in the last category, and he somehow manages to get through four weeks of waking, going to classes, studying, and sleeping (rinse, repeat) before he meets Siwon.
It’s lunch time when he sees him crossing the quadrangle, all easy smiles and kindness, confidence in every stride he takes. Sungmin shakes Hyukjae’s shoulder and asks, “Who is that?” It’s the first time Sungmin’s shown any interest in anyone who isn’t Kyuhyun so Hyukjae looks up too, but Siwon’s no longer in sight, having disappeared into the crowd of students.
Life is funny sometimes. You can go through months of not realising someone (or something) exists, but once they are brought to your attention, you just can’t miss them. Sungmin sees Siwon another three times that week, but no one seems to know who he is. How many tall, good-looking guys with smiles charming enough to get a bear to give up his honey can there be wandering our campus that no one knows who I’m talking about, Sungmin thinks in exasperation.
Eventually it’s no matter because on Friday, Sungmin trips and falls, scattering his notes and bruising a knee. He stoops to gather his notes, relieved that he fell somewhere deserted and that there was no one around to witness his klutziness. His heart sinks a little when he hears footsteps and out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone bend and start to help pick up the papers as well. Sungmin lifts his head to find Siwon on one knee, holding out a sheaf of papers, million-dollar smile on his face. Whimsy takes hold of him again: the pose is reminiscent of a proposal. Hi, let me help you up. I’m Siwon.
They go for coffee that day. And then lunch the following day before a dinner date the next week. It’s the stuff of romance novels, a whirlwind love at first sight (or thereabouts) - the kind you read about and long for when you’re twelve until you grow older and wiser to the ways of the world and realise it can’t possibly exist.
Sungmin is sure he’s in love. But they go slow. The first real date they have, Siwon is the perfect gentleman.
They’re in a tiny cafe that’s supposed to have really good cheesecake (Sungmin’s suggestion). It’s crowded and there aren’t any proper tables available, so they’ve been placed at one of those sofas next to knee-high coffee tables. Impossible to eat from, perfect for snuggling. But Siwon is sitting decorously at the other end of the sofa from him, and Sungmin doesn’t quite understand the distance. Maybe he’s not that into me? A shot of panic zips through his heart at the thought. Conversation is easy though, and Siwon keeps staring at him, a shy smile on his face whenever he’s not eating, so Sungmin thinks that can’t be it. He decides to take the first step: he scoots closer on the sofa, throws a brilliant smile in Siwon’s direction, then places a hand tentatively on his knee. It’s really cute the way Siwon makes an ergh sound and then stutters, “Do you, um, could we, what I mean is, is this too fast?”
Sungmin’s heart swells when he hears that - not everyone would be so polite to ask first, but he’s getting impatient. If you count the dates they’d gone on before they’d officially gotten together, this would be the eighth time they’re going out already. He sticks his tongue out at Siwon, then picks up his (tanned, muscular and toned, really nice to touch) arm and drapes it around his own shoulder, before cuddling against Siwon’s side. It’s warm and everything Sungmin has missed from the times when he used to curl up with Kyuhyun as they watched a movie (he always ignored the way Kyuhyun stiffened slightly whenever he did that).
He looks up to see Siwon smiling like he’s just won the lottery. They stay like that for an hour, maybe two, finishing their cheesecake then moving on to cups of coffee. Sungmin loves how easy it is to talk to Siwon, like they’ve known each other for years, but what he loves more is the comfortable silence they also possess, the kind only people whose hearts are in tune with each other have.
Sungmin hates that Siwon is taking a completely different degree from him. The building for Business Administration is almost completely removed from the main building, so students in that department hardly ever cross into the rest of the school, which probably explains why no one seems to have met Siwon before.
He wants to take classes together, wants to have shared lunch times but his music degree always seems to call for modules that clash with Siwon’s breaks and he never gets to see Siwon at school ever since that first week he met him. They’re both busy with schoolwork and projects take up a lot of time, plus there’s Siwon’s part-time job in the evenings, so they hardly meet outside of weekends.
Sungmin does acknowledge the perks of this though, because sometimes Siwon will visit his dorm early in the morning on his way to class with a packed bento, complete with vegetable faces or cute messages over his rice that read “I love you!”. A couple of times, gifts had been delivered to him on campus because Siwon felt bad they couldn’t meet up because of his work; flowers once, his favourite chocolates another time.
Sungmin knows it makes him a lesser man, but he likes when his friends see how lucky he is and likes to believe that Kyuhyun is thinking that he’s missed out on Sungmin, even if he doesn’t want Kyuhyun in that way anymore. He is genuinely glad that Kyuhyun seems to be happy with Donghae, he just doesn’t appreciate having been on the receiving end of rejection.
The first time they sleep together, they both lack finesse but it is enjoyable anyway. It’s their mid-term break and Sungmin’s brought Siwon to a pub near his dorm he really enjoys for the good wine they serve at reasonable prices.
The only problem (or maybe that’s the point) with affordable alcohol is that you invariably end up at least halfway drunk, and when they stumble back towards his dorm room, Sungmin is tipsy enough to call on the Courage of the Inebriated and pushes Siwon back against the lobby wall; he kisses Siwon, open-mouthed and messy. He’s a bit shorter, and has to tiptoe to reach Siwon’s lips before Siwon catches on and tilts his head down, seeking, urgent. One of Siwon’s hands is dragging up Sungmin’s shirt, reaching under it while the other is dipping in the front of Sungmin’s jeans, clumsily tugging at his belt buckle, the alcohol making him less restrained than usual.
Siwon suddenly stops though, drops his hands like he’s been burnt, like he’s had a lucid moment and has realised where he is. He looks at Sungmin, at once unsure and hesitant. Before he can say anything, Sungmin rolls his hips against Siwon’s, then drags his hand back to cup his erection. He’s already half-hard. Sungmin whispers, “Look, feel, this is because of you. Stop thinking so much,” and then there’s this light in Siwon’s eyes, amazed, thankful, impatient.
How they make it to Sungmin’s room without scandalising anyone along the way is a bit of a miracle, but they do and even if it’s a little stilted at first because Siwon’s afraid they’re taking things too fast, they eventually get there. The first time Siwon says it, Sungmin’s legs are wrapped around his waist, his face buried against Siwon’s collarbone as he whimpers from the pleasure and Sungmin almost misses the whispered I love you when Siwon comes. There is no time for him to dwell on it, no time to wonder if it’s just something Siwon throws out to everyone he sleeps with in the heat of the moment, because the next thing he knows, Siwon has pulled out and is going down on him without warning. It’s a bit sloppy but what Siwon lacks in technique he makes up for with enthusiasm and within minutes, Sungmin is coming too.
It’s only later when Siwon says it again though, as they’re curled up together and Sungmin’s almost asleep, that he takes the words to heart. Siwon suddenly props himself up on an elbow and looks down at Sungmin’s face, his expression serious and earnest. Sungmin can see Siwon’s eyes in the lamplight from outside coming in through the windows, and Siwon brings his hand up to trace Sungmin’s jaw almost reverently. “I really meant it when I said I love you, you know.”
Sungmin wants to know if he can fall any harder.
Sungmin’s friends notice the change in him.
“You’re happier,” Ryeowook says, and holds his hand a bit, smiling. “It’s really good to see you like this again.”
This causes Hyukjae to look up from his books. “I hope your increased happiness has nothing to do with how little time you’re spending with me now. You’re starting to forget about your best friend!”
He stands up and slings an arm around Sungmin. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight! You can tell me more about your perfect guy then. We hardly know anything about him besides his name.”
Sungmin blushes. “He’s not perfect,” he says. “He’s just everything I’ve ever dreamt of having.”
When they have their first quarrel, Sungmin feels like it’s a milestone. It’s a normal thing to happen, and what matters is that it gets resolved, right? The argument turned heated fast but died down just as quickly and all that’s left now are the echoes of his raised voice ringing in his head and a feeling of unease.
It was over the silliest thing, really. They had been in Sungmin’s room, Siwon’s head in Sungmin’s lap, and Sungmin had idly said, “Tell me more about yourself, Siwon. I don’t want to always be going on about myself.”
Siwon had resisted and asked Sungmin to talk about his childhood instead. Sungmin puts his burst of impatience and subsequent behaviour down to a long day: he’d flared up and shouted at Siwon for not loving him enough to want to share about himself. Siwon had gone completely quiet, and somehow this had made Sungmin even angrier.
”Seriously, why are you shutting me out? It’s like talking to a wall with you sometimes!”
Siwon had grabbed him and looked him in the eye, “You know it’s not like that, Ming. You know I love you more than I love myself.” Just like that, all the wind had been taken out of Sungmin and all he could do was mutter an apology.
Siwon had told him it’s been a long day and let himself out, leaving Sungmin to feel bad for being so unreasonable. It’s only hours later as he’s lying awake in bed, that he realises he still doesn’t know anything about Siwon.
The second time Hyukjae asks to know more about Siwon, Sungmin tells him all about their dates, how he feels they fit perfectly together, the things Siwon does for him, how well they understand each other, and it’s clear that Sungmin’s never been happier.
But his smile falters when Hyukjae asks which town Siwon is from. Sungmin can’t remember; has Siwon told this to him before? Or has he just never mentioned it, like the many other things he avoids talking about? Sungmin decides he’s sure he’s heard Siwon mention something about Seoul before, so he goes with that.
It gets a little more awkward when Ryeowook chimes in to ask where Siwon’s part-time job is. Sungmin realises this is something else he’s not sure of. Fidgeting with a frayed edge on his jeans, he mumbles something about a coffee place near school, then makes his excuses and leaves.
Ryeowook calls after him as he walks away, “Bring Siwon along this Saturday when we go to Kyuhyun’s for drinks!”
He waves a hand in their general direction, but his heart is hammering away in his chest as he wonders if he’s just not paying enough attention to the things Siwon says, or if he’s just growing older and more forgetful. He laughs to himself at his irrational panic; it’s ludicrous to think that Siwon’s never told him exactly where he works, right?
He resolves to pay more attention and be a better boyfriend next time.
When term breaks for the summer, Sungmin runs out of excuses to avoid bringing Siwon to gatherings with his friends. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but Siwon seems to be constantly busy, and it’s fast becoming a point of contention between them.
He’s learnt his lesson from the last time however, and so lets it slide the first few times. But the fifth time Siwon tries to get out of another drinks session, Sungmin decides he’s had enough of being patient and squares it out.
“I feel like you’re ashamed to be seen with me. That’s why you never want to come with me to meet my friends.”
Siwon is mulish, and finally agrees to go the next time, but claims that tonight, he’s really got something else on.
He mock-leers at Sungmin before he leaves and says, “I’d much rather be spending the time with you. There are so many other things we could be up to.”
Sungmin throws his stuffed Pororo at him.
It's the next time, but Siwon doesn’t turn up at the bar they had agreed to meet at. Half an hour passes, then an hour, and finally it’s two hours later when he slips away from the group to give Siwon a call.
Hyukjae finds out when he goes outside for some fresh air and sees Sungmin sitting on the steps, his eyes red and puffy, cheeks tear-stained. Hyukjae lowers himself beside Sungmin and asks if he’s had an argument with Siwon.
“No. He agreed to come, I just don’t know why he’s not here yet. I’ve been calling him so many times but he isn’t picking up.”
Hyukjae grabs his phone from him before Sungmin can stop him, and says, “Here, let me call him from my phone instead. I’ll talk to him, maybe we’ll get through that way.”
When he looks at the recent call logs to get Siwon’s number though, the last recorded call was made four hours ago and it had been to Ryeowook. He scrolls through Sungmin’s phonebook instead to look for Siwon’s number but he doesn’t find it.
All the while Sungmin is staring at him, stricken. Hyukjae doesn’t know what to do; Sungmin is grabbing his arm and he’s frantic. “Hyukjae, Hyukjae, why don’t I have his number? Why can’t I remember anything when I’m with all of you?”
Sungmin accidentally overhears them talking in hushed tones. He recognises the voice before he pushes the door open; Hyukjae is whispering to Ryeowook.
“--- I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s like Siwon isn’t even real.”
Sungmin doesn’t want to believe that his friends would think such things of him. He’s ready to bolt, but he needs to know for sure. He can’t hear what Ryeowook says in response, but what Hyukjae says next is telling enough. “I sneaked a look at his text messages. There isn’t a single one that’s remotely like what you’d expect from a boyfriend. Nothing.”
When Siwon comes over that day, Sungmin flies at him with fists, sobbing.
“You have to meet them,” he says. “Show them that you’re real, that you’re mine, that what we have may seem too good to be true, but it’s real.”
It’s the first, only, and last time Sungmin sees real anger coming from Siwon.
“You know I can’t do that.” Siwon’s biting off each word. “Why couldn’t you be happy with just having me alone? Was I not real enough for you?”
He’s not even had time to take off his shoes yet. Siwon takes one last look at Sungmin, kisses his forehead. I’m sorry.
***
Sungmin looks down at his phone on the table; its buzzing is throwing off the rhythm of the rain hitting the windowpanes. Hyukjae is calling again, but he doesn’t want to speak to anyone right now.
There are days when he’s with his friends, and he can almost forget there ever was Siwon, when he can’t remember what Siwon even looks like. Sungmin tries to trace out the shape of Siwon’s face in the empty air in front of him. He wants to look for the photos he’d taken with Siwon, but remembers with a start that he’d burnt them all when he realised Siwon wasn’t coming back. Wait, or had they just never taken any? He wishes there was someone he could ask, but his friends mostly act as if Siwon’s never existed. Sometimes though, Ryeowook clasps his hand in his and asks him if he’s okay.
Then there are days like today, when he misses what he used to have - the relationship he’s always wanted, the perfect person to be with forever. Maybe if he hadn’t pushed him to change, maybe if he had given more instead of always taking, Siwon would still be here.
The rain is getting heavier, and he tries to recall if Siwon liked the rain, or hated it. No matter how hard he searches, nothing comes to mind though, and his head hurts. So instead, he follows the path of a raindrop. It’s mesmerizing, rain is, the way one raindrop connects to another and then another until they’re heavy enough to stream in rivulets down the glass of his window. Steady, unsteady, the rain goes, it’s alright, everything is going to be alright.
Author:
gayeeishRecipient:
emo_what97Characters/Pairings: Siwon/Sungmin
Rating: R
Genre(s): Romance
Warnings: None
Author's Note: Prompts given were Tablo's "Bad" or the quote by Ione Sky, "Everything else means nothing to me. If I hurt you again, I'll die." I tried to make it fit, I hope you like it even if the fic ended fitting the sentiment of both prompts more than the actual words themselves! Beta-ed by precious PB, thank you! :3
Sungmin finds the steady sound of rain drumming on roofs and sidewalks comforting. It’s like nature is repeating a mantra: It’s going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. It seems to rain every time something bad happens; he knows it’s just whimsy, but he likes to think they’re tears from people in heaven for anyone who is sad.
It’s raining again when Kyuhyun tells Sungmin about Donghae. “He’s everything I’ve been looking for,” are his exact words. “I really want you to meet him, you’ll love him too.”
Above the pounding in his ears and the noise of the rain, the unspoken subtext carries across loud and clear. It’s in Kyuhyun’s eyes: I know how you feel but I’m sorry, you weren’t what I wanted, we can’t be more than friends.
Sungmin produces the obligatory smile and agrees to have dinner with Kyuhyun and Donghae one of these days, and then goes home to cry together with the rain.
***
It’s interesting how people adapt to heartbreak differently. Some get angry, some live in denial, there are those who turn to new loves and others who simply go through the motions of life without really feeling until the moment eventually passes and the heart begins to forget. Sungmin probably falls in the last category, and he somehow manages to get through four weeks of waking, going to classes, studying, and sleeping (rinse, repeat) before he meets Siwon.
It’s lunch time when he sees him crossing the quadrangle, all easy smiles and kindness, confidence in every stride he takes. Sungmin shakes Hyukjae’s shoulder and asks, “Who is that?” It’s the first time Sungmin’s shown any interest in anyone who isn’t Kyuhyun so Hyukjae looks up too, but Siwon’s no longer in sight, having disappeared into the crowd of students.
Life is funny sometimes. You can go through months of not realising someone (or something) exists, but once they are brought to your attention, you just can’t miss them. Sungmin sees Siwon another three times that week, but no one seems to know who he is. How many tall, good-looking guys with smiles charming enough to get a bear to give up his honey can there be wandering our campus that no one knows who I’m talking about, Sungmin thinks in exasperation.
Eventually it’s no matter because on Friday, Sungmin trips and falls, scattering his notes and bruising a knee. He stoops to gather his notes, relieved that he fell somewhere deserted and that there was no one around to witness his klutziness. His heart sinks a little when he hears footsteps and out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone bend and start to help pick up the papers as well. Sungmin lifts his head to find Siwon on one knee, holding out a sheaf of papers, million-dollar smile on his face. Whimsy takes hold of him again: the pose is reminiscent of a proposal. Hi, let me help you up. I’m Siwon.
They go for coffee that day. And then lunch the following day before a dinner date the next week. It’s the stuff of romance novels, a whirlwind love at first sight (or thereabouts) - the kind you read about and long for when you’re twelve until you grow older and wiser to the ways of the world and realise it can’t possibly exist.
Sungmin is sure he’s in love. But they go slow. The first real date they have, Siwon is the perfect gentleman.
They’re in a tiny cafe that’s supposed to have really good cheesecake (Sungmin’s suggestion). It’s crowded and there aren’t any proper tables available, so they’ve been placed at one of those sofas next to knee-high coffee tables. Impossible to eat from, perfect for snuggling. But Siwon is sitting decorously at the other end of the sofa from him, and Sungmin doesn’t quite understand the distance. Maybe he’s not that into me? A shot of panic zips through his heart at the thought. Conversation is easy though, and Siwon keeps staring at him, a shy smile on his face whenever he’s not eating, so Sungmin thinks that can’t be it. He decides to take the first step: he scoots closer on the sofa, throws a brilliant smile in Siwon’s direction, then places a hand tentatively on his knee. It’s really cute the way Siwon makes an ergh sound and then stutters, “Do you, um, could we, what I mean is, is this too fast?”
Sungmin’s heart swells when he hears that - not everyone would be so polite to ask first, but he’s getting impatient. If you count the dates they’d gone on before they’d officially gotten together, this would be the eighth time they’re going out already. He sticks his tongue out at Siwon, then picks up his (tanned, muscular and toned, really nice to touch) arm and drapes it around his own shoulder, before cuddling against Siwon’s side. It’s warm and everything Sungmin has missed from the times when he used to curl up with Kyuhyun as they watched a movie (he always ignored the way Kyuhyun stiffened slightly whenever he did that).
He looks up to see Siwon smiling like he’s just won the lottery. They stay like that for an hour, maybe two, finishing their cheesecake then moving on to cups of coffee. Sungmin loves how easy it is to talk to Siwon, like they’ve known each other for years, but what he loves more is the comfortable silence they also possess, the kind only people whose hearts are in tune with each other have.
Sungmin hates that Siwon is taking a completely different degree from him. The building for Business Administration is almost completely removed from the main building, so students in that department hardly ever cross into the rest of the school, which probably explains why no one seems to have met Siwon before.
He wants to take classes together, wants to have shared lunch times but his music degree always seems to call for modules that clash with Siwon’s breaks and he never gets to see Siwon at school ever since that first week he met him. They’re both busy with schoolwork and projects take up a lot of time, plus there’s Siwon’s part-time job in the evenings, so they hardly meet outside of weekends.
Sungmin does acknowledge the perks of this though, because sometimes Siwon will visit his dorm early in the morning on his way to class with a packed bento, complete with vegetable faces or cute messages over his rice that read “I love you!”. A couple of times, gifts had been delivered to him on campus because Siwon felt bad they couldn’t meet up because of his work; flowers once, his favourite chocolates another time.
Sungmin knows it makes him a lesser man, but he likes when his friends see how lucky he is and likes to believe that Kyuhyun is thinking that he’s missed out on Sungmin, even if he doesn’t want Kyuhyun in that way anymore. He is genuinely glad that Kyuhyun seems to be happy with Donghae, he just doesn’t appreciate having been on the receiving end of rejection.
The first time they sleep together, they both lack finesse but it is enjoyable anyway. It’s their mid-term break and Sungmin’s brought Siwon to a pub near his dorm he really enjoys for the good wine they serve at reasonable prices.
The only problem (or maybe that’s the point) with affordable alcohol is that you invariably end up at least halfway drunk, and when they stumble back towards his dorm room, Sungmin is tipsy enough to call on the Courage of the Inebriated and pushes Siwon back against the lobby wall; he kisses Siwon, open-mouthed and messy. He’s a bit shorter, and has to tiptoe to reach Siwon’s lips before Siwon catches on and tilts his head down, seeking, urgent. One of Siwon’s hands is dragging up Sungmin’s shirt, reaching under it while the other is dipping in the front of Sungmin’s jeans, clumsily tugging at his belt buckle, the alcohol making him less restrained than usual.
Siwon suddenly stops though, drops his hands like he’s been burnt, like he’s had a lucid moment and has realised where he is. He looks at Sungmin, at once unsure and hesitant. Before he can say anything, Sungmin rolls his hips against Siwon’s, then drags his hand back to cup his erection. He’s already half-hard. Sungmin whispers, “Look, feel, this is because of you. Stop thinking so much,” and then there’s this light in Siwon’s eyes, amazed, thankful, impatient.
How they make it to Sungmin’s room without scandalising anyone along the way is a bit of a miracle, but they do and even if it’s a little stilted at first because Siwon’s afraid they’re taking things too fast, they eventually get there. The first time Siwon says it, Sungmin’s legs are wrapped around his waist, his face buried against Siwon’s collarbone as he whimpers from the pleasure and Sungmin almost misses the whispered I love you when Siwon comes. There is no time for him to dwell on it, no time to wonder if it’s just something Siwon throws out to everyone he sleeps with in the heat of the moment, because the next thing he knows, Siwon has pulled out and is going down on him without warning. It’s a bit sloppy but what Siwon lacks in technique he makes up for with enthusiasm and within minutes, Sungmin is coming too.
It’s only later when Siwon says it again though, as they’re curled up together and Sungmin’s almost asleep, that he takes the words to heart. Siwon suddenly props himself up on an elbow and looks down at Sungmin’s face, his expression serious and earnest. Sungmin can see Siwon’s eyes in the lamplight from outside coming in through the windows, and Siwon brings his hand up to trace Sungmin’s jaw almost reverently. “I really meant it when I said I love you, you know.”
Sungmin wants to know if he can fall any harder.
Sungmin’s friends notice the change in him.
“You’re happier,” Ryeowook says, and holds his hand a bit, smiling. “It’s really good to see you like this again.”
This causes Hyukjae to look up from his books. “I hope your increased happiness has nothing to do with how little time you’re spending with me now. You’re starting to forget about your best friend!”
He stands up and slings an arm around Sungmin. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight! You can tell me more about your perfect guy then. We hardly know anything about him besides his name.”
Sungmin blushes. “He’s not perfect,” he says. “He’s just everything I’ve ever dreamt of having.”
When they have their first quarrel, Sungmin feels like it’s a milestone. It’s a normal thing to happen, and what matters is that it gets resolved, right? The argument turned heated fast but died down just as quickly and all that’s left now are the echoes of his raised voice ringing in his head and a feeling of unease.
It was over the silliest thing, really. They had been in Sungmin’s room, Siwon’s head in Sungmin’s lap, and Sungmin had idly said, “Tell me more about yourself, Siwon. I don’t want to always be going on about myself.”
Siwon had resisted and asked Sungmin to talk about his childhood instead. Sungmin puts his burst of impatience and subsequent behaviour down to a long day: he’d flared up and shouted at Siwon for not loving him enough to want to share about himself. Siwon had gone completely quiet, and somehow this had made Sungmin even angrier.
”Seriously, why are you shutting me out? It’s like talking to a wall with you sometimes!”
Siwon had grabbed him and looked him in the eye, “You know it’s not like that, Ming. You know I love you more than I love myself.” Just like that, all the wind had been taken out of Sungmin and all he could do was mutter an apology.
Siwon had told him it’s been a long day and let himself out, leaving Sungmin to feel bad for being so unreasonable. It’s only hours later as he’s lying awake in bed, that he realises he still doesn’t know anything about Siwon.
The second time Hyukjae asks to know more about Siwon, Sungmin tells him all about their dates, how he feels they fit perfectly together, the things Siwon does for him, how well they understand each other, and it’s clear that Sungmin’s never been happier.
But his smile falters when Hyukjae asks which town Siwon is from. Sungmin can’t remember; has Siwon told this to him before? Or has he just never mentioned it, like the many other things he avoids talking about? Sungmin decides he’s sure he’s heard Siwon mention something about Seoul before, so he goes with that.
It gets a little more awkward when Ryeowook chimes in to ask where Siwon’s part-time job is. Sungmin realises this is something else he’s not sure of. Fidgeting with a frayed edge on his jeans, he mumbles something about a coffee place near school, then makes his excuses and leaves.
Ryeowook calls after him as he walks away, “Bring Siwon along this Saturday when we go to Kyuhyun’s for drinks!”
He waves a hand in their general direction, but his heart is hammering away in his chest as he wonders if he’s just not paying enough attention to the things Siwon says, or if he’s just growing older and more forgetful. He laughs to himself at his irrational panic; it’s ludicrous to think that Siwon’s never told him exactly where he works, right?
He resolves to pay more attention and be a better boyfriend next time.
When term breaks for the summer, Sungmin runs out of excuses to avoid bringing Siwon to gatherings with his friends. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but Siwon seems to be constantly busy, and it’s fast becoming a point of contention between them.
He’s learnt his lesson from the last time however, and so lets it slide the first few times. But the fifth time Siwon tries to get out of another drinks session, Sungmin decides he’s had enough of being patient and squares it out.
“I feel like you’re ashamed to be seen with me. That’s why you never want to come with me to meet my friends.”
Siwon is mulish, and finally agrees to go the next time, but claims that tonight, he’s really got something else on.
He mock-leers at Sungmin before he leaves and says, “I’d much rather be spending the time with you. There are so many other things we could be up to.”
Sungmin throws his stuffed Pororo at him.
It's the next time, but Siwon doesn’t turn up at the bar they had agreed to meet at. Half an hour passes, then an hour, and finally it’s two hours later when he slips away from the group to give Siwon a call.
Hyukjae finds out when he goes outside for some fresh air and sees Sungmin sitting on the steps, his eyes red and puffy, cheeks tear-stained. Hyukjae lowers himself beside Sungmin and asks if he’s had an argument with Siwon.
“No. He agreed to come, I just don’t know why he’s not here yet. I’ve been calling him so many times but he isn’t picking up.”
Hyukjae grabs his phone from him before Sungmin can stop him, and says, “Here, let me call him from my phone instead. I’ll talk to him, maybe we’ll get through that way.”
When he looks at the recent call logs to get Siwon’s number though, the last recorded call was made four hours ago and it had been to Ryeowook. He scrolls through Sungmin’s phonebook instead to look for Siwon’s number but he doesn’t find it.
All the while Sungmin is staring at him, stricken. Hyukjae doesn’t know what to do; Sungmin is grabbing his arm and he’s frantic. “Hyukjae, Hyukjae, why don’t I have his number? Why can’t I remember anything when I’m with all of you?”
Sungmin accidentally overhears them talking in hushed tones. He recognises the voice before he pushes the door open; Hyukjae is whispering to Ryeowook.
“--- I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s like Siwon isn’t even real.”
Sungmin doesn’t want to believe that his friends would think such things of him. He’s ready to bolt, but he needs to know for sure. He can’t hear what Ryeowook says in response, but what Hyukjae says next is telling enough. “I sneaked a look at his text messages. There isn’t a single one that’s remotely like what you’d expect from a boyfriend. Nothing.”
When Siwon comes over that day, Sungmin flies at him with fists, sobbing.
“You have to meet them,” he says. “Show them that you’re real, that you’re mine, that what we have may seem too good to be true, but it’s real.”
It’s the first, only, and last time Sungmin sees real anger coming from Siwon.
“You know I can’t do that.” Siwon’s biting off each word. “Why couldn’t you be happy with just having me alone? Was I not real enough for you?”
He’s not even had time to take off his shoes yet. Siwon takes one last look at Sungmin, kisses his forehead. I’m sorry.
***
Sungmin looks down at his phone on the table; its buzzing is throwing off the rhythm of the rain hitting the windowpanes. Hyukjae is calling again, but he doesn’t want to speak to anyone right now.
There are days when he’s with his friends, and he can almost forget there ever was Siwon, when he can’t remember what Siwon even looks like. Sungmin tries to trace out the shape of Siwon’s face in the empty air in front of him. He wants to look for the photos he’d taken with Siwon, but remembers with a start that he’d burnt them all when he realised Siwon wasn’t coming back. Wait, or had they just never taken any? He wishes there was someone he could ask, but his friends mostly act as if Siwon’s never existed. Sometimes though, Ryeowook clasps his hand in his and asks him if he’s okay.
Then there are days like today, when he misses what he used to have - the relationship he’s always wanted, the perfect person to be with forever. Maybe if he hadn’t pushed him to change, maybe if he had given more instead of always taking, Siwon would still be here.
The rain is getting heavier, and he tries to recall if Siwon liked the rain, or hated it. No matter how hard he searches, nothing comes to mind though, and his head hurts. So instead, he follows the path of a raindrop. It’s mesmerizing, rain is, the way one raindrop connects to another and then another until they’re heavy enough to stream in rivulets down the glass of his window. Steady, unsteady, the rain goes, it’s alright, everything is going to be alright.
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I like how we'll never truly find out if Siwon was actually real or if he was something Sungmin's mind had conjured up to handle the break up :)
I'm happy I've got my ShiMin so once again, thanks! :)
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This was so beautifully written, and it's incredibly clever how you seeded the doubts about Siwon's existence all the way through the fic and made it look as if there were other explanations - Siwon vanishing into a crowd just as Hyukjae looks up, Sungmin finally meeting Siwon in an otherwise empty corridor, Siwon's degree and his job... it's so natural and only takes on a whole different meaning once we reach the end.
“He’s not perfect,” he says. “He’s just everything I’ve ever dreamt of having.”
Oh man. This slayed me. I was literally smiling, all happy that Sungmin finally had found someone who cared about him, and then it all came crashing down in such a horrible, but gorgeously-constructed way.
Poor, poor Sungmin. This was brilliant.
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Also, as I've already mentioned to you, I'm incredibly flattered you liked it considering I didn't expect this to turn out that well. ♥ Once again, thank you! *3*
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I also really loved the other SJ members in this. Such good and concerned friends! And I enjoyed your Sungmin. I don't usually like it when people write him cute, but you balanced it with intelligence and drive and I liked that, too.
Awesome job!
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I think Ryeowook will always be that way, concerned and I like to believe that Hyukjae truly is Sungmin's best friend in real life. :D thank you for reading! ♥
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i was really absorbed into sungmin and siwon's perfect (maybe too perfect, and this should have given me a hunch) relationship that the last paragraphs caught me off-guard. i also enjoyed all the cameos by the other members and your characterization of sungmin in this.
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